- Garry Moore once received a television award for his spontaneity, and he then turned around and paid tribute to "the four guys responsible for my spontaniety—my writers."
The next to recieve an award was Bishop Sheen, who said "I also want to pay tribute to my four writers-Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John!"
- Two Irishmen, Murphy and Kelly, were bitter rivals. An angel was sent to pacify Murphy. "You are very bitter and cold and cruel toward Kelly; to cure you, the Godd Lord has promised to give you one of anything in the world if you will only let Kelly have two of them."
"If I am head of one labor union," Murphy said, "does that mean kelly will be head of two?"
The angel replied, "Yes."
"If I win the Irish Sweepstakes once, Kelly wins twice?"
"That's right."
"And if I have a brass band following me, Kelly has two?"
"Yes"
Murphy then said, "Angel, I'll take a glass eye."
- The best definition of an adult that was ever given is that an adult is one who has stopped growing at both ends and has begun to grow in the middle.
- Baloney is the unvarnished lie laid so thick you hate it. Blarney is flattery so thin you love it.
- Cain went bad because Eve never read anything on child psycchology.
- A couple who had benn going together for twenty-five years without a proposal finally came to a crisis when the woman said: "Don't you think we ought to be getting married?" He answered: "Oh heavens! At our age who would be having either of us?"
- An Irish woman was travelling between the north and south of Ireland and had concealed in her bag a bottle of liquor. The customs official said to her, "What do you have in that bottle?" She said, "Lourdes water." The customs official said, "Let me have a look at it." On examining it, he found five stars on the outside of the bottle, and the inside smelled exactly like Hennessey's. He said, "Madam, this is not Lourdes water. This is whiskey." "Glory be to God," she said, "a miracle!"
- An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.
- Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
- It's like being a Knight of the Garter. It's an honor, but it doesn't hold up anything.
- Jealousy is the tribute mediocrity pays to genius.
- Leisure is a form of silence, not noiselessness. It is the silence of contemplation such as occurs when we let our minds rest on a rosebud, a child at play, a Divine mystery, or a waterfall.
- Show me your hands. Do they have scars from giving? Show me your feet. Are they wounded in service? Show me your heart. Have you left a place for divine love?
- The only way to win audiences is to tell people about the life and death of Christ. Every other approach is a waste.
- You should realize that the community with which you deal is not the one of 42nd Street and Broadway, or Hollywood and Vine. These are the crusts on the great American sandwich. The meat is in between.
- Several years ago when Bishop Sheen registered at a hotel in Minneapolis, he filled out a card at the desk. After the word "Representing" he wrote: "Good Lord and Company."
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